At times, during a negotiation, an exchange is not in your best interests or there's an unacceptable condition. When the protagonist is a stranger, the decision to refuse can be relatively easy.
However, refusal can be difficult when the negotiation is being conducted with a person with whom you have had a good relationship. It becomes even more difficult when the other party is using that relationship to gain an advantage or to force your acquiescence.
You can always keep the relationship at the expense of having an outcome counter to your interests.
When that is not a feasible option, you can share your strong desire to protect the relationship. A sympathetic opponent may offer compromising and acceptable suggestions. If not, ask for them. The tone in your voice can convey your sincere wishes to preserve something of value to you or it could imply an obligation for the other party to acknowledge and support the preservation of the relationship.
Supporting arguments can be a listing of all the past benefits and all the future promise. A cooling off period may be a good tactic in this instance.
One of my functions as a consultant, to a particular client, was to interpret the behavior and motives of an owner and a CEO. While there was a great deal of respect between the two, there were large gaps in age, culture, education and life experiences.
During a meeting there was strong disagreement on how to handle one item on the agenda. The two had often disagreed before, only to reach a peaceful resolution after discussion. On this particular day there was little hope that a satisfactory compromise was possible. This was becoming evident as the time for lunch arrived. The CEO was accustomed to bringing his lunch to the office. The (Chinese born and raised) owner had greater ease at making a major decision over a meal at one of his favorite restaurants. Surprised by my own brilliance, I suggested we adjourn our deliberations while the owner and I went for lunch.
The owner was clearly disturbed over the dilemma. He was convinced his position was the best solution. Yet, he had the deepest respect for his CEO. Over 'dim sum' he and I discussed the pros and cons of both arguments. Then, we looked at the cost of the CEO's solution. The owner felt the cost was well worth keeping the respect and support of the CEO.
At first, when we announced the owner's decision to go along with the CEO's solution, the CEO was suspicious of our motives. When I explained the owner's commitment to preserve the valuable relationship they both shared, there was a moment when two strong individuals came very close to tears.
Some time after the situation under discussion was resolved, all agreed the CEO's solution had worked out quite well - and the relationship was strengthened.
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